Monthly Archives: December 2016

I went out to watch the UFC fights last night. It was the first time I went out in public other than the grocery store since everything happened. I was terrified. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, I wasn’t sure if I could hold it together. I was sure that I was unsure of everything to come.

Later into the night I met a man who looked very much like my brother Josh, even his mannerisms were similar to his. He began talking to the man seated next to me at the bar. They laughed and talked about how they had drank together before. This man reached his hand out and said, “What’s your name?” the other replied, “Danny.” He said, “Yeah, I remember now. I’m Josh.”

I froze for a split second, turned to my friend and said, “I have to leave here for a minute. I’ll be back.” I rushed outside, began crying, shaking. I was in utter disbelief. The first time I decide to go out and this horrible moment happens to me. How fucked up is that? I didn’t know what to do. Should I get in my car to leave? Should I walk back inside? I was lost in a crowd of people who understood nothing of what I was feeling. Even if I explained it, they wouldn’t be able to feel the misery I hold.

I had a true revelation last night. Something that materialized right in front of my eyes.

I have nothing to give to anyone. I have no love left. I have no positivity bubbling up inside me. This- no- these moments that I’m experiencing are mine. I’m not capable of being anything to anyone at this time. I don’t know if I ever will and if I do, I don’t know when it will happen. All I have is pain, anger, fear…still nothing to share.

My heart is completely empty of anything warm. The love for all beings has disappeared into a fog of perplexities. I am lost. I am not the person I once was.

I’m alone in this journey of uncertainty.

I’ve heard and read of people having these “triggers”. Triggers that set them off into a fit of emotions. The concept seemed so strange to me for I have only experienced that with dog attacks I’ve seen on TV. But I find myself in a whole new world. A world full of triggers that hold me captive as I crawl on the damp ground.

Music…catapults me into an outrage that taunts me. My thoughts spin out of control and visions smack me in the face tirelessly to the point of nausea.

Music can be an extension of oneself. I am no longer the self I once was, the emotions that surface from the past moments I held from a tune torment my psyche.

Toddlers with their siblings cause a fit of rage inside me. For those memories I once shared were abandoned for me to cherish alone. The Lone Sibling; clawing deep into the depths of fear searching for the lost pieces of my soul that has shattered like a mirror on the concrete floor. But those vanished with the heartbeats of my brothers.

I become triggered by strangers laughing and joking. It’s as if my vision blurs and I can see the air  around them vibrating. I’m exasperated by the pleasure they feel. Comparable to the movies, it’s as if I’m spinning with the laugher amplified, their faces magnified. It’s a horrible sensation through and through.

 

 

Today my future is black. A black hole of the unknown.

I am completely broken. I don’t just feel broken for I know I am broken. My soul is shattered. My spirit dead. My emotions expired.

How am I to live? How am I to love? How am I to be? For I am no longer me. The one I use to be is extinct. My spirit is callous, my soul weeping.

Nothing even has a spark of similarity.

Today is a Haunting Day…