I went out to watch the UFC fights last night. It was the first time I went out in public other than the grocery store since everything happened. I was terrified. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, I wasn’t sure if I could hold it together. I was sure that I was unsure of everything to come.
Later into the night I met a man who looked very much like my brother Josh, even his mannerisms were similar to his. He began talking to the man seated next to me at the bar. They laughed and talked about how they had drank together before. This man reached his hand out and said, “What’s your name?” the other replied, “Danny.” He said, “Yeah, I remember now. I’m Josh.”
I froze for a split second, turned to my friend and said, “I have to leave here for a minute. I’ll be back.” I rushed outside, began crying, shaking. I was in utter disbelief. The first time I decide to go out and this horrible moment happens to me. How fucked up is that? I didn’t know what to do. Should I get in my car to leave? Should I walk back inside? I was lost in a crowd of people who understood nothing of what I was feeling. Even if I explained it, they wouldn’t be able to feel the misery I hold.
I had a true revelation last night. Something that materialized right in front of my eyes.
I have nothing to give to anyone. I have no love left. I have no positivity bubbling up inside me. This- no- these moments that I’m experiencing are mine. I’m not capable of being anything to anyone at this time. I don’t know if I ever will and if I do, I don’t know when it will happen. All I have is pain, anger, fear…still nothing to share.
My heart is completely empty of anything warm. The love for all beings has disappeared into a fog of perplexities. I am lost. I am not the person I once was.
I’m alone in this journey of uncertainty.