As I was on the road driving my four and a half hours back home, there was a severe storm pounding down while continuing to brew above. The entire drive, there were multiple dark and black clouds circling above me. The wind would push and pull so violently to where I felt almost completely out of control. The water flooded part of the road and would throw the car this way and that. No matter where I turned or how hard or gently I held onto the wheel, uneasiness filled the air.
This is a state of mind I am very familiar with.
I attempted to listen to a podcast, “The Hilarious World of Depression”, and my thoughts would linger so much I would have no idea how much of the episode I had missed so I’d have to rewind it to figure out where I fell off. This isn’t new but it happened the entire four and a half hours. The guests and the host are very captivating but when my mind wonders, it’s hard to concentrate. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve stopped breathing and then I start to feel panic because I feel like I can’t breathe unless I tell my body to preform that function.
Thoughts tend to circle in my mind. They usually aren’t rational but in the moment seem like life and death and too often, the latter feels more fitting. Then the thought circles again and again. I find myself exhausted from the miles of running I’m doing internally.
At this very moment, I’m minutes from walking into the door and I feel as if I’ve been up for days. I feel as if I’m completely malnourished. The storm was a physical remembrance of my daily mental health and now I feel more drained than I have in a few weeks. These last couple months have been very challenging with circling thoughts, self doubt and negative self talk.
So where do I go from here? I’m not sure but I’ll try to calm these nerves that are running off the track now.