I went out to watch the UFC fights last night. It was the first time I went out in public other than the grocery store since everything happened. I was terrified. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, I wasn’t sure if I could hold it together. I was sure that I was unsure of everything to come.
Later into the night I met a man who looked very much like my brother Josh, even his mannerisms were similar to his. He began talking to the man seated next to me at the bar. They laughed and talked about how they had drank together before. This man reached his hand out and said, “What’s your name?” the other replied, “Danny.” He said, “Yeah, I remember now. I’m Josh.”
I froze for a split second, turned to my friend and said, “I have to leave here for a minute. I’ll be back.” I rushed outside, began crying, shaking. I was in utter disbelief. The first time I decide to go out and this horrible moment happens to me. How fucked up is that? I didn’t know what to do. Should I get in my car to leave? Should I walk back inside? I was lost in a crowd of people who understood nothing of what I was feeling. Even if I explained it, they wouldn’t be able to feel the misery I hold.
I had a true revelation last night. Something that materialized right in front of my eyes.
I have nothing to give to anyone. I have no love left. I have no positivity bubbling up inside me. This- no- these moments that I’m experiencing are mine. I’m not capable of being anything to anyone at this time. I don’t know if I ever will and if I do, I don’t know when it will happen. All I have is pain, anger, fear…still nothing to share.
My heart is completely empty of anything warm. The love for all beings has disappeared into a fog of perplexities. I am lost. I am not the person I once was.
I’ve heard and read of people having these “triggers”. Triggers that set them off into a fit of emotions. The concept seemed so strange to me for I have only experienced that with dog attacks I’ve seen on TV. But I find myself in a whole new world. A world full of triggers that hold me captive as I crawl on the damp ground.
Music…catapults me into an outrage that taunts me. My thoughts spin out of control and visions smack me in the face tirelessly to the point of nausea.
Music can be an extension of oneself. I am no longer the self I once was, the emotions that surface from the past moments I held from a tune torment my psyche.
Toddlers with their siblings cause a fit of rage inside me. For those memories I once shared were abandoned for me to cherish alone. The Lone Sibling; clawing deep into the depths of fear searching for the lost pieces of my soul that has shattered like a mirror on the concrete floor. But those vanished with the heartbeats of my brothers.
I become triggered by strangers laughing and joking. It’s as if my vision blurs and I can see the air around them vibrating. I’m exasperated by the pleasure they feel. Comparable to the movies, it’s as if I’m spinning with the laugher amplified, their faces magnified. It’s a horrible sensation through and through.
I bear a pit of emptiness inside me. It’s hard to explain. Although I’m flooded with emotion, I feel empty. Like a pool that’s been sliced open and all my innards have rushed out.
I can see my heart beating on the ground trying to push the blood into my organs that are now stowed next to my body. For I no longer have a home for them.
Their home is now the hell which haunts me as I struggle to pull myself place to place, day after day, as I savagely dig the tips of my fingers into the dirt until they bleed. All this to get to where I’m going while leaving a trail of what is left of me.
Where am I going? To an abyss of torture and suffering? For that’s where I have been residing for far too long.
It’s hard for me to be around people. I feel unhinged around others. I have actually started hysterically crying and freeze wherever I am. I see people talking, smiling, laughing and I feel angry. I feel like screaming, “I am brother-less! I am brother-less! I am The Lone Sibling!” How can life just continue on? My world has imploded.
Losing a sibling is a pain so immense. The pain is unending and YOU no longer exist. The faint heartbeat in your chest is overcome with trepidation. You are lost in a pit of darkness that you’ve become comatose by the agony.
I am beyond the bounds of depleted. I fear a world without the love of my brothers; The keepers of my veiled thoughts and movements. How they have held me up when I have stumbled. For they have guided me when I have wandered astray.
This emptiness that now takes refuge in my being, I can no longer feel a spirit inside me. I only feel anguish that has spread to my skin and every touch feels like burning pins driving deep into my muscles.
Meltdowns…they come so unannounced and pounce on you. They grab you and swallow you whole.
Meltdowns…they do not explain themselves or make sense. They just crash into you.
Meltdowns…there is no fighting back. They wrap tightly around you never loosening their grip.
My meltdowns are powerful earthquakes of my core. It’s as if I’m being whipped around in a whirlpool with nothing to grab hold of.
My meltdowns are the only things I can count on these days. They never cease holding me hostage.
My meltdowns visit me in my dreams and wake me crying and breathless.
My meltdowns are my meltdowns and they keep melting me down…
Have you ever known someone you were beyond proud of? Have you ever known someone who just meant the world to you? Have you ever loved someone more than life itself? That is how I have always felt about my big brother, Joshy.
Joshua Michael is the first unconditional love my Mom and Dad felt and that love will stay with their hearts forever. He has always had this magical feeling about him, this magical love he has shared with us all. His sweet and tenderness he gave when you were in need will continue to shine deep in your souls.
His crazy outrageousness is what we long to hold onto for a smile, a laugh or a roll of the eye – he always knew what to do.
Joshy, the universe will use your energy to heal those in pain. Your love will be the light in the dark. Forever you will live on in our stories, in our beings.
Joshy, I hope your pain and anguish is gone. I know your love is still strong. Your heart is fully of beauty and I’m so proud to be your sister.
For you Joshy, you have always owned my heart.
We are all so proud of you. Proud of your strength. Proud of your love.
Today we say, “Thank you for loving us. Thank you for being you. We love you. I love you. Forever more.”