I bear a pit of emptiness inside me. It’s hard to explain. Although I’m flooded with emotion, I feel empty. Like a pool that’s been sliced open and all my innards have rushed out.
I can see my heart beating on the ground trying to push the blood into my organs that are now stowed next to my body. For I no longer have a home for them.
Their home is now the hell which haunts me as I struggle to pull myself place to place, day after day, as I savagely dig the tips of my fingers into the dirt until they bleed. All this to get to where I’m going while leaving a trail of what is left of me.
Where am I going? To an abyss of torture and suffering? For that’s where I have been residing for far too long.
It’s hard for me to be around people. I feel unhinged around others. I have actually started hysterically crying and freeze wherever I am. I see people talking, smiling, laughing and I feel angry. I feel like screaming, “I am brother-less! I am brother-less! I am The Lone Sibling!” How can life just continue on? My world has imploded.
Losing a sibling is a pain so immense. The pain is unending and YOU no longer exist. The faint heartbeat in your chest is overcome with trepidation. You are lost in a pit of darkness that you’ve become comatose by the agony.
I am beyond the bounds of depleted. I fear a world without the love of my brothers; The keepers of my veiled thoughts and movements. How they have held me up when I have stumbled. For they have guided me when I have wandered astray.
This emptiness that now takes refuge in my being, I can no longer feel a spirit inside me. I only feel anguish that has spread to my skin and every touch feels like burning pins driving deep into my muscles.
Meltdowns…they come so unannounced and pounce on you. They grab you and swallow you whole.
Meltdowns…they do not explain themselves or make sense. They just crash into you.
Meltdowns…there is no fighting back. They wrap tightly around you never loosening their grip.
My meltdowns are powerful earthquakes of my core. It’s as if I’m being whipped around in a whirlpool with nothing to grab hold of.
My meltdowns are the only things I can count on these days. They never cease holding me hostage.
My meltdowns visit me in my dreams and wake me crying and breathless.
My meltdowns are my meltdowns and they keep melting me down…
Have you ever known someone you were beyond proud of? Have you ever known someone who just meant the world to you? Have you ever loved someone more than life itself? That is how I have always felt about my big brother, Joshy.
Joshua Michael is the first unconditional love my Mom and Dad felt and that love will stay with their hearts forever. He has always had this magical feeling about him, this magical love he has shared with us all. His sweet and tenderness he gave when you were in need will continue to shine deep in your souls.
His crazy outrageousness is what we long to hold onto for a smile, a laugh or a roll of the eye – he always knew what to do.
Joshy, the universe will use your energy to heal those in pain. Your love will be the light in the dark. Forever you will live on in our stories, in our beings.
Joshy, I hope your pain and anguish is gone. I know your love is still strong. Your heart is fully of beauty and I’m so proud to be your sister.
For you Joshy, you have always owned my heart.
We are all so proud of you. Proud of your strength. Proud of your love.
Today we say, “Thank you for loving us. Thank you for being you. We love you. I love you. Forever more.”