Emotions – Page 3 – My Daily Ransom

May 18th, Just Another Day

May 18th has always felt like a magical day. It’s always a beautiful Spring day with life bursting out all around you. The birds are singing in the trees all day long, the flowers are blooming and buzzing with the sound of bees. The streams are flowing with the music of showers that gave birth to the new life of our world. Baby animals are coming out from their homes and exploring the bright colors. It’s a day to celebrate life and love; it’s also the day I was born.

I’ve always been a big birthday person. I love celebrating people’s birthdays and my own. I’m the person telling everyone, “My birthday is coming up.” or “Tomorrow/Today is my birthday!” I plan dinners, celebrations with friends and family, going places to be together. But that has all changed. May 18th has become just another day with a little extra sadness sprinkled on.

This year I didn’t tell anyone it was my birthday. No one in my office knew, many of my friends didn’t know and most of my family didn’t know or didn’t remember. But most of all I didn’t hear from “the boys”, my brothers or Bubba, my Dad. These three were the first ones to usually say Happy Birthday to me. They would call me, text me, put it on Facebook (either all three or at least one). Birthdays were so special to us.

My brother’s have always made me feel extraordinary, especially on my birthday. Ever since I was little they did things with or for me on my birthday. All photos from growing up had me sitting on one of their laps or sitting so close we were touching especially when it came to singing and blowing out candles. They made me feel like I was the best thing to ever happen to them. I remember just loving them so much and feeling their love encompass my entire being. But I don’t feel like that anymore.

I don’t feel like my birthday is worthwhile the way I use to. I don’t feel like celebrating life and the new season of plentiful offspring scouting the environment. I don’t feel that tiny burst of excitement as I open my eyes to a new year of life and growth. I feel heartsick that I’m not sharing this day with the people I love the most. My soul is cheerless as I move throughout my day. The few birthday wishes I receive are recognized but irrelevant.

May 18th, just another day in the world.

My Sleepless Nights

It’s 4 am, I went to sleep at midnight but I’m wide awake now. This happens each night. I can’t sleep at night, I can’t take naps during the day. I can’t sleep. Ever.

When I do sleep, I have weird dreams. Many times I dream where people argue with me that you aren’t really gone. “No, your brothers are still here. I literally just saw them! What are you talking about?!” Then I wake up, thinking I’m crazy and having bizarre dreams. I go to text you…

But then it hits me. It’s like I relive those horrifying, unbearable, relentless moments, again. I try to rationalize my thoughts but they make no sense. These moments have no reasoning and are just absurd. And the anger is back. Flooding my entire body with rage as I lay there in my bed trying to grasp my thoughts yet I can’t. I want to go back in time and fix things. I want to make your lives better than they were. I need to be your baby sister. I need to hear your voice on the phone, read a text that you just sent me, plan to do things when I come home to visit. Help plan ways to change our lives, the girl’s lives. I NEED YOU BOTH SO MUCH!

This is not meant to be my life. My greatest accomplishment has always been being your sister. That’s how I’ve always identified myself. Constantly saying, “I have two brothers…”, “My brothers…”, “When I was growing up my brothers…”, “I’m the baby with two older brothers….”, “My big brothers…”, that’s who I am. I’m your sister. I’m your baby. That’s where I find peace, being your baby sister. Who am I without my brothers?

I’m lost in this dark world. Literally, I’m surrounded by darkness and my mind is so heavy. It’s like these nights last a lifetime. I’m scared, I’m lonely, my body is in so much pain and I can’t seem to get it to ease up. I see flashes of you in those last moments. It’s like I was right there beside you when it all happened. I died with you. You took me with you and now I’m just a shell of myself.

So I find myself abandoned. Unable to comprehend my surrounds. Fearing everything.

My aches

I have these aches that permeate every part of me.

These aches are in my muscles, bones, blood, brain.

There’s an ache that vibrates my mind and an ache that drills into my soul.

I feel these aches when I’m awake and when I barely asleep.

These aches seem to take place of all the pieces I’m missing; I’m missing a lot.

I feel as if I’m living in this black hole of misery and elongated pain.

Even if I do laugh or smile I still have these aches surrounding me.

Then I have guilt but at least I still have my aches to allow me to feel something true.

Sometimes the only truth I have is the crippling throb of sorrow and heartache.

With each twist and turn the ache deepens and I can’t break away.

Many times the only thing I can feel are the aches that confine me to myself.

I’m fenced in by fear of what’s to come.

For I know these aches are apart of me now.

I’ve lost too much for them to ever disappear.

Because I Can’t Be With You

I’m tired. I’m sore. I’m angry. I’m beyond grievous.

My skin feels raw down to the bone.

It’s as if I’m bathing in a tub of torment. I’m washing with the ache of what I should have done, what I should have said.

It keeps filling the space enclosing my soul.

When I try to rinse off the sorrow, it feels like fragments of my missing future digging in.

My life will never be how I want it.

I feel like I’m laying on my back and all these realizations are suffocating me.

The tears are so frequent that they feel like razorblades rolling out of the corner of my eyes.

I’m fighting the urge to scream out in horror, in anxious pain.

I rock back and forth, trying to figure out these thoughts that are beating my brain.

How can they be true?

My belly is gorged with rage.

This…this…this has happened. This is happening right now.

These feelings don’t leave, they argue with each other.

Rational thoughts fly out the window when I wake from a dream of being with you.

Because I can’t be with you.

I Am Where I Am

Grief. My grief. Yes, MY grief. No one can truly understand it, for it is mine.

How dare anyone ever tell you what to do with your grief, how to work through your grief. It is your grief to break down and sort through.

My grief has changed me. I’ve become a new…a new being. Not another soul, no matter the situation, will understand my feelings, my loss, my pains, my agony. No one has the right to tell me how I should “deal” with my grief. Fuck that.

As I was standing there, my world was eradicated. How can my feelings be unjust? This grief is a tsunami and even after the storm there is carnage and wreckage that needs to be unloaded.

I am where I am. I’m in a scary, dark dwelling. I don’t wake up and say, “Hey, today you are going to cry more than anything else. You are going to feel alone and scared. You are going to have panic attacks and wish everything would disappear.” It just happens. I’m IN my life every single day. I have no choice but to be in this irrefutable life.

How can anyone think this is something I want, like it’s a choice. How can someone judge another for the grief they feel? For the sorrow and loneliness they feel? My mind is scattered and I try to find my way each day. It’s a lousy and at times a shameful feeling.

Do you honestly believe this is what I want to feel? Do you believe I want this immense, relentless pressure on my entire body?

I will forever hold a great deal of pain. There is no going back to having anything I once had. I can’t get what I want back. It is lost forever and now I’m different.

I am where I am. I’m doing what I can. I’m getting out of bed and sometimes stumbling through my day. That’s where I am. Do not judge a grieving soul, for we can only do what we can at this moment in time.

Pit of Emptiness

I bear a pit of emptiness inside me. It’s hard to explain. Although I’m flooded with emotion, I feel empty. Like a pool that’s been sliced open and all my innards have rushed out.

I can see my heart beating on the ground trying to push the blood into my organs that are now stowed next to my body. For I no longer have a home for them.

Their home is now the hell which haunts me as I struggle to pull myself place to place, day after day, as I savagely dig the tips of my fingers into the dirt until they bleed. All this to get to where I’m going while leaving a trail of what is left of me.

Where am I going? To an abyss of torture and suffering? For that’s where I have been residing for far too long.

My meltdowns are my meltdowns and they keep melting me down…

Meltdown…Meltdowns…Everywhere I go.

It’s hard for me to be around people. I feel unhinged around others. I have actually started hysterically crying and freeze wherever I am. I see people talking, smiling, laughing and I feel angry. I feel like screaming, “I am brother-less! I am brother-less! I am The Lone Sibling!” How can life just continue on? My world has imploded.

Losing a sibling is a pain so immense. The pain is unending and YOU no longer exist. The faint heartbeat in your chest is overcome with trepidation. You are lost in a pit of darkness that you’ve become comatose by the agony.

I am beyond the bounds of depleted. I fear a world without the love of my brothers; The keepers of my veiled thoughts and movements. How they have held me up when I have stumbled. For they have guided me when I have wandered astray.

This emptiness that now takes refuge in my being, I can no longer feel a spirit inside me. I only feel anguish that has spread to my skin and every touch feels like burning pins driving deep into my muscles.

Meltdowns…they come so unannounced and pounce on you. They grab you and swallow you whole.

Meltdowns…they do not explain themselves or make sense. They just crash into you.

Meltdowns…there is no fighting back. They wrap tightly around you never loosening their grip.

My meltdowns are powerful earthquakes of my core. It’s as if I’m being whipped around in a whirlpool with nothing to grab hold of.

My meltdowns are the only things I can count on these days. They never cease holding me hostage.

My meltdowns visit me in my dreams and wake me crying and breathless.

My meltdowns are my meltdowns and they keep melting me down…

For My Big Brother, Joshua Michael Ransom

Have you ever known someone you were beyond proud of? Have you ever known someone who just meant the world to you? Have you ever loved someone more than life itself? That is how I have always felt about my big brother, Joshy.

Joshua Michael is the first unconditional love my Mom and Dad felt and that love will stay with their hearts forever. He has always had this magical feeling about him, this magical love he has shared with us all. His sweet and tenderness he gave when you were in need will continue to shine deep in your souls.

His crazy outrageousness is what we long to hold onto for a smile, a laugh or a roll of the eye – he always knew what to do.

Joshy, the universe will use your energy to heal those in pain. Your love will be the light in the dark. Forever you will live on in our stories, in our beings.

Joshy, I hope your pain and anguish is gone. I know your love is still strong. Your heart is fully of beauty and I’m so proud to be your sister.

For you Joshy, you have always owned my heart.

We are all so proud of you. Proud of your strength. Proud of your love.

Today we say, “Thank you for loving us. Thank you for being you. We love you. I love you. Forever more.”