Am I Worthy?

I find myself asking that question with “Am” in italics.

Many times thoughts float into my overloaded brain and stick on the top like a fluorescent note screaming in my face. Recently that note screams “Am I worthy?” and I’m taken back for a minute debating it. Then I get back to my task at hand until that beaming question sticks on top once again.

I’ve worked very hard to redirect my thoughts to be kind and loving words to myself. This has been a mammoth undertaking since I’ve wrestled with it all of my existence. Gentle and fierce love is one of the great qualities I have toward others but never inward. I’m proud of the person I’m becoming to myself because I believe it’s allowing me to love in a healthier way to those dear to me. So when this strange feeling seeps in deep with a feeling of uneasiness, I’m confused about what to do.

How do we convince ourselves that we are worthy of so much more than we currently have? Again, survivor’s guilt is a deep-seated sorrow that I carry on my chest as I maneuver through my everyday life. I want to be more and do more than they ever imagined but the question floats in like a fluffy, weightless feather that hits like a brick, “Am I worthy?”.

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