I’ve been longing to put down my thoughts and feelings into words on this platform or even just scraps of paper for months now. The vulnerability that I release through my emotions can be overwhelming. I find my physical body frozen in fear while my thoughts continue like a script I’m preparing to present goes on over and over again in my mind. I dream of it, I think of it as I’m driving, showering, cooking, my reflections are very present.
Today I feel very sad. I feel as if I’m not living up to the person I can be. I feel as if I could be so much more for so many other people but my fears hold me so tight. The suffocating grip of rejection or even possibily doing more damage to someone else’s being. How does one overcome a problem they do not know how to solve?
Looking around my life, I realize that being left behind is a ache that you carry with you throughout your lifetime. When you lose someone you love to death, it rips part of your heart, soul, purpose from you. You continue to bleed until the day your own heart stops beating. The fear of a scab healing over doesn’t exist because that wound can never heal.
Sitting here today, noticing that I’ve been left behind by those still living, who have never felt the torment of loss and grief. Their lives continue on as a normal day. The sun still rises and sets the same way it always has. They don’t feel the weight of the ocean waves crashing onto their body day in and day out to the point they’re able to breath and their body is throbbing in pain as it’s smashes again the rocks of despair. They no longer want to be bothered by the emptiness you now hold. They are ready to continue on with their life and you must wish them well as they do so.
This journey of life is a lonely one when you are too afraid to open your wounded heart and when the trauma continues on. When you are perpetually left behind by those who you love whether it be their choice or not.