#writings #emotions #longing

We can’t be happy all the time. That’s the truth of life for each of us. However, we shouldn’t be unhappy all the time either. What do we do when happiness starts becoming harder to find in our daily lives?

Recently, I’ve been having a harder time feeling happiness or joy. It comes easily to feel happiness for someone else when they share a bright moment or experience they are so eager to shine a light on. I feel true excitement and delight for their happiness in their lives. How special is it that they want to share those moments with me? I would never want to miss any of it.

I don’t think we can ever anticipate when blocks of sadness will wash ashore. And when the blocks continue to build up and get pushed closer and closer by the waves of emotions and daily life, it feels like there’s no way to purge them. It’s almost as if we didn’t see them until they’ve morphed into a wall of wretchedness. Each angle that we face shows us a new contorted feeling of sadness that is now a new encounter; a new wound that we realize needs healed. So with each new wound we observe, comes a flood of fresh tenderness that trickles down into the puddle of sorrow where we stand until that puddle turns into a pond that we are drowning in.

Feeling overwhelmed is an understatement. I’m not sure where to begin. Right now I’m longing for tears that can warm my face and hopefully guide me to a starting point.

Seeing the world in muted colors is a strange life. Taking that once beautiful vibrancy away from your everyday experience is frightening at first. Now, I feel numb to the muted colors. My emotions are so strong that the once beautiful things in life, aren’t as beautiful as they once were. I wonder to myself, “Will the beauty ever return?” and it appears doubtful, even cloudy at times.

I long to write but it feels like a burden to share my grievance with others. The thought of someone else knowing my truth, makes it hard to breathe. I’m fighting this battle within myself as I try to reach out and share my moments but then it’s suddenly too dark. The darkness cuts my breath off, squeezes my muscles and stops me dead in my tracks. My mind starts this wave of fears and I can’t see straight.

When this happens, I can’t carry on. I can’t drink, I can’t eat, I can’t talk, I can’t walk, I can’t do anything. I’m stuck in this dread that’s holding me down. How do I get this boulder off? That’s why these muted colors no longer have the significance to me. I’m so lost in the darkness.

I’m not even sure what all I’m afraid of anymore. I know I’m horrified of my past, of what I’m missing in my life and what’s to come without them but I’m also afraid of so much more. But, what is that “so much more”? How do I figure that out? Do I want to figure it out?

I look around and nothing is where it’s supposed to be. Or is that just my perception playing tricks on me again. All my senses are off and nothing seems quite right. Can it be that the darkness is just a ruse? For now, I’m unsure . I’m unsure of it it all. But I’m forced to continue this journey in the darkness. Scared and alone longing to find the light that I hope is only hidden away in all this darkness.