My Daily Ransom

Tag: grief

  • Not Another Milestone Kicking Up the Grief

    My partner, Doug, and I decided that it was time! Well, he really has been eager for a while and I’ve been pushing it off a little more. But “we” decided to start looking for a home to purchase. 

    Yes, it’s exciting to think of owning your own home, especially now that it seems out of reach for so many people. He has been sending me different homes for over a year now. It started with condos downtown since we currently live downtown Austin, and he loves the walkability of it. Then I came in and smacked the reality into his sweet brain because, ummm sir, those things cost way too much and their HOAs are so expensive on their own. So, I told him we really need to focus on details of the home itself and not just the amenities that come with it. That’s when things really started to get real. 

    Doug became open to looking at houses or condos a little farther out. He started sending me so many houses daily, and then wanted to go to open houses to just check them out. I am still a licensed real estate agent (been in real estate for 10 years now) but I didn’t want to look at homes outside of open houses since we weren’t prepared to move for 7+ months at the time. So I was just going with the flow until about 3 weeks ago! We went to an open house that ended up being a new build community, which is a new development neighborhood. New developments are where they build homes as they sell to people who pick one of the floor plans that are available. 

    So we pulled into this VERY new development which had only 3-4 homes built, and one was the model home that they set up as the on location office. It’s mostly just open plots, lumber everywhere, contractors working on different projects, and the cement pour of a soon-to-be swimming pool. It was so beautiful! I really didn’t think Doug would like it because it’s a bit farther out that I expected him to go. We spent time in the model/office and the other model that they have built. They felt a little too big for us but Doug just seemed smitten with the entire concept of the new community. He started asking me some questions and saying things like, “Oh, I’d be so close to work and we really aren’t that far for anything we’d want!” We still went to a few more open houses that day and he said something that just hit me, “Nothing seems to even compare to that new home that we saw. It’s like, they just don’t give me that excited feeling.” 

    About three weeks ago is when we first saw the new build. We both made compromises on things we both really wanted, which I believe is what made us realize this was the location and house we wanted.  We decided to check with a lender to see what we could qualify for and if it would cover the floorplan we really liked and we did! I kept asking Doug, “Are you sure?”, “Are you positive you are good with not having a-b-c?”, to which he said, yes. That’s when we decided to go back and check it out again, check the location and surrounding area, and ask them questions. I was definitely second guessing everything because of my grief and he was excited and ready to go! 

    After that is when my brain started going wild! I thought about my dad, Bubba, and how he wouldn’t be here to check the drywall. He was a professional drywaller his entire life. He started at age 9, and I actually have his first putty knife that he was given as a child and still used up until just a couple months before he passed. He also taught me how to drywall and I would go on jobs with him. I didn’t do any of the hanging itself because I was 12 or 13 the first time he took me on a job. BUT, I could tape them off and keep up with the best of them! I loved going on jobs and just working with my hands like that. He even joked that I was better than some of the guys he hired to do full jobs with him and that I should quit school and do it full time with him! Of course that would never happen, but I could help when I could! 

    Well, a couple days later is when we decided to tell them, “Yes, we would like to build our home in this community.” So we are now under contract with them and we are hoping it will be built and ready to move in before our lease is up in late July. Anyone in real estate, or who has bought or sold, knows there’s so much that can happen between the time you sign the contract and the day that you close. So we are going through the motions and process one day at a time. Doug has already made a list of things we need to do a week before closing! haha

    Here I am, fighting back tears and fears. Grief hits in so many different ways. I never know when something will trigger my grief and send me down a path of tears, pain and frustration. I feel the pain of missing out. Missing out on having Bubba be so proud of me, and seeing me continue to push forward and even have amazing days filled with success and joy. And the frustration of not having him here with me to experience the gift of homeownership. He never owned a home besides a trailer and he never had a brand new vehicle in his life. The milestones he didn’t get to experience himself, he always celebrated even more when I reached them. It’s so hard to not have him here celebrating this one especially. 

    The same goes for my brothers. My brothers really missed out on a lot in life. We lost them way too soon and way before they were able to really start achieving the goals they had for themselves. They really had some wonderful goals that I wish we could have experienced with them. So, now that I’m in the phase of buying a house, I feel heartbroken for them. I want them here with me as Doug and I transition from renters to owners, because I never thought I’d get to this place in life. They always had more faith in my abilities than I had. So when I start second guessing myself, I do two things. First, I ask myself if I would say these things to my best friend. If I wouldn’t, then I refuse to say them to myself. Second, I think, what would Josh or Adam tell me right now? My brothers would never discourage me or even question if I could do anything. So then I change my thinking because that’s the least I can do for them now. 

    Celebrating my loved ones looks so different than I ever expected. Celebrating them now is to achieve my goals. Celebrating them is thriving to be better each day. Celebrating them is sharing my story of grief and pain as I speak about them and how they would support me in my everyday life and in my milestones. Even when happy milestones seem to have an achy soreness to them. 

  • The Holidays After Loss

    This is for those who have lost loved ones and for those who want to help support someone who has lost a loved one. I wish I could have told those around me before what I needed during this time of year but I was too deep into my grief to do much of anything. I hope this helps someone just a little.

    I want you to know, truly know, that whatever you’re feeling right now is okay. If you’re excited about the holidays, that’s okay! If you’re angry and full of rage, that’s okay. If you are numb and have no idea what you’re feeling, that’s okay, too. It’s okay to be and feel whatever it is at this very moment. And it’s okay if those feelings change in an instant. The rollercoaster of life and grief can spin us in motion without us even realizing what’s happening or where we are going. The only true advice I can give for that is to allow yourself to experience those feelings but to let them go as quickly as they come. Holding on too tightly to our emotions is when we become stuck and I’ve been stuck before and it’s excruciating. Let those feelings move through you like a breeze on your cheek, experiencing it without touching it.

    This part is for the supporters. Thank you for being there when many times those grieving are left alone because others are unsure what to do. The best course of action is to physically be there just to hold space. Sometimes we don’t know what we want but what we need is to not be detached. Grieving during the holidays can be arduous and lonely. By letting that person know you want to be near may be what gives them the courage to allow themselves to feel hopeful.

    Another aspect that many people seem to shy away from, which can be most damaging, is pretending like the ones lost never existed. People don’t want to say their names because they don’t want to upset those grieving but hearing other’s speak their names give their life even more value. Sharing stories of those who are gone breathes life back into their memory and keeps their spirit strong in the hearts who are left behind. Ask them to share their favorite stories with you and ask why it’s their favorite. People live on through our memories because we love them and because we share who they were and who they are to us in those anecdotes. Those are what keep them closest to our hearts.

    Life is tough. Feelings are exhausting. But the love we get to share with those near to us is why we are in this wildly, unapologetic world. And even with the constant soreness I feel from losing my two big brothers and Dad, I want to talk about them. I want to make people laugh by telling them all the stupid things they would do during the holidays!

    (Bubba, Joshy and Allfaye, we miss you so much. Make sure Momo isn’t getting into too much trouble. I love you more than ever. Lots of XOXO)

  • Grief Greetings

    For many, the holiday season is fast approaching. Nothing can stop it from rolling on in, not even a worldwide pandemic. Definitely not the heart wrenching grief that fills my existence just weeks before Halloween.

    You see, for me, it’s not Season’s Greetings. This is the season of loss and realization that I am much more alone than I like to admit. I’m also burdened with a deep sadness that strips me of all my fabricated happiness that I’ve conjured up. It’s the breaking point of where I cannot hide behind the success I’ve had both professionally and personally.

    October 31st (or at least very close to it) is usually a fun and exciting time for many. They get to decorate their homes and persons, celebrate being someone or something else while surrounded by people they love or new possible friends. So many different things happen around Halloween for people of all ages. Most get a sliver of excitement within their own boundaries. My brother Adam absolutely loved Halloween. He went all out with decorations and parties. Adam made you feel light as a feather with his magical entrancement of the holiday that ended with the start of his birthday with the strike of midnight, Day of the Dead.

    Of course, this is just the inauguration of the Grief Greetings. Not far behind is the blindside of December 1st. It seems to slide me off track like rubber on black ice. Never even seeing it before I realize that I’m spinning out of control with anxiety and flashbacks of that call. Wondering if this has all been a bad dream when I realize his number doesn’t call him anymore.

    Then of course, everyone around me is making plans with their families and complaining about someone that they have to “put up with” at the family gatherings when all I want for Christmas is for my brothers to drive me crazy so I can roll my eyes at them and I laugh hysterically. The actualization of never experiencing these moments with them again steep deep into my essence. Moments overcome me when I want to wail my pain and frustration out of my soul and into the chilly air for all to experience.

    Grief Greetings. Ah, I am not alone…yet I am. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day will come and go. I will inevitably sneak off into the bathroom to cry for my brothers and Dad, wishing them happiness and peace although I really just want them to magically appear when I open that door back up with rosy cheeks.

    So as you make your way to your Season of Greetings and Holidays, fully and sincerely enjoy yours for those of us who may not have that ability. Our journeys may not be the same but we all still have love to remember and give.