My Daily Ransom

Facing the Unknown…

I Am Where I Am — January 6, 2017

I Am Where I Am

Grief. My grief. Yes, MY grief. No one can truly understand it, for it is mine.

How dare anyone ever tell you what to do with your grief, how to work through your grief. It is your grief to break down and sort through.

My grief has changed me. I’ve become a new…a new being. Not another soul, no matter the situation, will understand my feelings, my loss, my pains, my agony. No one has the right to tell me how I should “deal” with my grief. Fuck that.

As I was standing there, my world was eradicated. How can my feelings be unjust? This grief is a tsunami and even after the storm there is carnage and wreckage that needs to be unloaded.

I am where I am. I’m in a scary, dark dwelling. I don’t wake up and say, “Hey, today you are going to cry more than anything else. You are going to feel alone and scared. You are going to have panic attacks and wish everything would disappear.” It just happens. I’m IN my life every single day. I have no choice but to be in this irrefutable life.

How can anyone think this is something I want, like it’s a choice. How can someone judge another for the grief they feel? For the sorrow and loneliness they feel? My mind is scattered and I try to find my way each day. It’s a lousy and at times a shameful feeling.

Do you honestly believe this is what I want to feel? Do you believe I want this immense, relentless pressure on my entire body?

I will forever hold a great deal of pain. There is no going back to having anything I once had. I can’t get what I want back. It is lost forever and now I’m different.

I am where I am. I’m doing what I can. I’m getting out of bed and sometimes stumbling through my day. That’s where I am. Do not judge a grieving soul, for we can only do what we can at this moment in time.

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Pit of Emptiness — December 28, 2016

Pit of Emptiness

I bear a pit of emptiness inside me. It’s hard to explain. Although I’m flooded with emotion, I feel empty. Like a pool that’s been sliced open and all my innards have rushed out.

I can see my heart beating on the ground trying to push the blood into my organs that are now stowed next to my body. For I no longer have a home for them.

Their home is now the hell which haunts me as I struggle to pull myself place to place, day after day, as I savagely dig the tips of my fingers into the dirt until they bleed. All this to get to where I’m going while leaving a trail of what is left of me.

Where am I going? To an abyss of torture and suffering? For that’s where I have been residing for far too long.

 

My meltdowns are my meltdowns and they keep melting me down… —

My meltdowns are my meltdowns and they keep melting me down…

Meltdown…Meltdowns…Everywhere I go.

It’s hard for me to be around people. I feel unhinged around others. I have actually started hysterically crying and freeze wherever I am. I see people talking, smiling, laughing and I feel angry. I feel like screaming, “I am brother-less! I am brother-less! I am The Lone Sibling!” How can life just continue on? My world has imploded.

Losing a sibling is a pain so immense. The pain is unending and YOU no longer exist. The faint heartbeat in your chest is overcome with trepidation. You are lost in a pit of darkness that you’ve become comatose by the agony.

I am beyond the bounds of depleted. I fear a world without the love of my brothers; The keepers of my veiled thoughts and movements. How they have held me up when I have stumbled. For they have guided me when I have wandered astray.

This emptiness that now takes refuge in my being, I can no longer feel a spirit inside me. I only feel anguish that has spread to my skin and every touch feels like burning pins driving deep into my muscles.

Meltdowns…they come so unannounced and pounce on you. They grab you and swallow you whole.

Meltdowns…they do not explain themselves or make sense. They just crash into you.

Meltdowns…there is no fighting back. They wrap tightly around you never loosening their grip.

My meltdowns are powerful earthquakes of my core. It’s as if I’m being whipped around in a whirlpool with nothing to grab hold of.

My meltdowns are the only things I can count on these days. They never cease holding me hostage.

My meltdowns visit me in my dreams and wake me crying and breathless.

My meltdowns are my meltdowns and they keep melting me down…